Wow, Just Wow.
02/06/09 02:31
Today I saw the psych. Forgot to get refills on my prescriptions. Anyway.
The domestic overseers have been pushing me to get another psychologist. I have not seen a psychologist in, perhaps, 4-6 months. My former psychologist I saw for a number of years, however, I feel we had reached a point in therapy that wasn’t going to change. It could’ve been related to a number of things. His skill level, or me - in general.
However, at the moment, my psychiatrist, and myself do not see the need to get another therapist/psychologist. I risk undoing a lot of things I’ve learned in therapy.
As a result of my refusal to see another psychologist - I’m getting static and flack from the domestic overseers. Bear in mind, I’m 23 years old. I’m capable of making decisions about what I’d like to do, and who I’d like to see, in regards to something (usually thought to be ) as simple as a doctor, or psychologist. And I personally find it, unfair that I am treated differently, and “catch shit” because I legitimately do not feel the need to go back to therapy.
Now, upon arriving home today, I give the cancelled check from the appointment to my mother, and she starts drilling me about the therapy, what did you talk about, etc etc.
Have you heard of a little thing called HIPPA? I don’t really have to tell you. So what does she say: Did you tell (psychiatrist name) that you’re suicidal?
(insert sounds of the record screeching to a stop)
Suicidal? What? According to the wikipedia, suicidal ideation (which is actually what she’s referring to) has to do with (possibly) detailed plans to commit the act, etc etc. Links: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_ideation --- and --- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal.
Just about anyone who knows me, has heard the following come from my mouth:
I hope I die
I don’t want to live anymore
If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised
I could just kill myself
as a matter of fact, the name of my WiFi network is I Hope I Die.
What the public should understand is the following
I HATE MY PARENTS. I HATE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS.
I hate being belittled at nearly every turn, from the way I speak, the way I might do something as simple as laundry (example), or the way I cook; I am belittled, made to feel useless, worthless, like a piece of flint.
When I say: I hope I die, or I could kill myself, or I’m going to go kill myself - It’s never out of some unstable, mental fit, first of all. It’s because I am so depressed every day that I wake up, and find myself still, stuck in this crummy situation I am in - 23 years old, 165 thousand dollars in debt, 2 leins, an eviction, and a repossession, and a credit score of 300. I can’t really get a job because my credit is so bad, the IRS and other companies can actually take such a high percentage of my paycheck, combined with the bad credit score over all, companies don’t hire me.
On top of that, I have to live with the 2 worst people on the planet.
When I make an effort to express how I feel, say: one of the domestic overseers asks how I’m doing; the conversation turns into: Well your living conditions could be worse.
I’m not complaining about my living conditions. I am not complaining about the luxuries we have at home, the car I get to drive, the cell phone I get to use because someone pays for it, the cable internet and tv, blah blah.
I’m expressing the reasons I don’t want to live anymore, because YOU TWO have made me feel like an intruder in your own home for, well, going on the last 3 years. You find neat , cute, catchy ways to remind me of all the crap mistakes I’ve made in life, and how I could’ve actually finished school, and stayed with my old job, and been something.
Honestly, that’s cruel, it’s rude, and un-deserved. Reminding me of those things, got old 3 years ago. And until I’m “back on my feet”, you can stop. Tho, I know I won’t.
You only hear me, you don’t listen.
---
So, after this discussion I’ve had with my mother, albeit a brief one. I hear from a 3rd party person, that the reason I don’t “actively seek a job, or formal career, is because Michael might be comfortable, and is lazy, and does not want to leave”.
My mother said this to, this person.
Sweet heart, let me tell you something. Please understand: If I got a job, and could afford to move away, get an apartment close to work, cause GOD knows you won’t let me take the Genesis (which is ok, it’s not my car, few things are “mine&rdquo
, I would never, talk to the 2 of you again. After how you’ve made me feel for 2 years, you don’t deserve forgiveness.
I am not Jesus Christ.
And please, don’t ever think, that I’m not getting a job because I’m comfortable here. And that Walmart would hire me, because they hired (3rd party person). First of all, it makes (3rd party person) look bad, don’t put them on my level.
2nd of all: Walmart interviewed me back in 2008 for a job @ the macclenny distribution center. and they rejected me. Why?
Because my credit profile was so bad, and their company was not comfortable with most of the paycheck going straight to 3rd party collection agencies and the government. Do not ask me to produce written documentation, they didn’t give me any, and I don’t have their phone number; nor do I remember then name of the woman I interviewed with either.
If I could leave, I would.
And also
don’t be all smug, and think that : Well Michael, you’ve put us thru hell for the last 15 years, and you just don’t understand.
I completely understand. How? BECAUSE I WAS THERE!
HELLUR! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?
I don’t constantly think of myself you know. I’m actually a good person. There’s a number of people who can tell you that. I’m thoughtful, caring, generous, insightful, resourceful, and by NO means, or stretch of the imagination
NOT EVEN YOURS MOM (cause we all know how far that imagination can go)
conceited, or selfish. I can be a bet self centered at times.
Why don’t I act like any of the above positive things to you: umm. cause you get what you give dudes.
--
In summary, if I choose to go back to therapy, it’s on MY terms. You are being completely toolish, judgmental, ignorant, and un-Christian, to treat me different because I choose not to go back to therapy. I am a sentient, cognitive being, that is on my medication every day. I am not unstable, and at the moment, do not feel the need to go back to therapy.
Also, I am not suicidal. One of the many factors, keeping me from actually doing it, is, well honestly, I live in hell. And there has to be a period of time, in MY future that I will not be living like this. I do not have a grim out look on my life. I have a grim out look when it comes to MY life, as it relates to YOURS, in terms of a parent to son relationship. My life can be repaired, I have a positive attitude that I can bring myself from where I am, into somewhere between the negative, and the positive (as a start), and eventually, work my way into the positive. However, the relationship between you and I, will never be repaired.
Additionally - I am not, not seeking a job because I am lazy, comfortable, lax, or enjoy in any way shape or form living here. I stated the reasons above, and do not feel the need to summarize them.
Finally, to answer your question if I have told my psychiatrist that I, specifically, no longer have the will to live, and there are nights that I go to sleep, and hope I do not wake up, and that sometimes I get depressed and want to die.
Yes. And it’s not because I’m suicidal. It’s called depression. It’s from living with the 2 of you for so long. And it’s only a short step to suicidal ideation, however, that won’t happen. Sorry to disappoint you. You won’t be able to get rid of me that way.
The domestic overseers have been pushing me to get another psychologist. I have not seen a psychologist in, perhaps, 4-6 months. My former psychologist I saw for a number of years, however, I feel we had reached a point in therapy that wasn’t going to change. It could’ve been related to a number of things. His skill level, or me - in general.
However, at the moment, my psychiatrist, and myself do not see the need to get another therapist/psychologist. I risk undoing a lot of things I’ve learned in therapy.
As a result of my refusal to see another psychologist - I’m getting static and flack from the domestic overseers. Bear in mind, I’m 23 years old. I’m capable of making decisions about what I’d like to do, and who I’d like to see, in regards to something (usually thought to be ) as simple as a doctor, or psychologist. And I personally find it, unfair that I am treated differently, and “catch shit” because I legitimately do not feel the need to go back to therapy.
Now, upon arriving home today, I give the cancelled check from the appointment to my mother, and she starts drilling me about the therapy, what did you talk about, etc etc.
Have you heard of a little thing called HIPPA? I don’t really have to tell you. So what does she say: Did you tell (psychiatrist name) that you’re suicidal?
(insert sounds of the record screeching to a stop)
Suicidal? What? According to the wikipedia, suicidal ideation (which is actually what she’s referring to) has to do with (possibly) detailed plans to commit the act, etc etc. Links: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal_ideation --- and --- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicidal.
Just about anyone who knows me, has heard the following come from my mouth:
I hope I die
I don’t want to live anymore
If I don’t wake up tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised
I could just kill myself
as a matter of fact, the name of my WiFi network is I Hope I Die.
What the public should understand is the following
I HATE MY PARENTS. I HATE LIVING WITH MY PARENTS.
I hate being belittled at nearly every turn, from the way I speak, the way I might do something as simple as laundry (example), or the way I cook; I am belittled, made to feel useless, worthless, like a piece of flint.
When I say: I hope I die, or I could kill myself, or I’m going to go kill myself - It’s never out of some unstable, mental fit, first of all. It’s because I am so depressed every day that I wake up, and find myself still, stuck in this crummy situation I am in - 23 years old, 165 thousand dollars in debt, 2 leins, an eviction, and a repossession, and a credit score of 300. I can’t really get a job because my credit is so bad, the IRS and other companies can actually take such a high percentage of my paycheck, combined with the bad credit score over all, companies don’t hire me.
On top of that, I have to live with the 2 worst people on the planet.
When I make an effort to express how I feel, say: one of the domestic overseers asks how I’m doing; the conversation turns into: Well your living conditions could be worse.
I’m not complaining about my living conditions. I am not complaining about the luxuries we have at home, the car I get to drive, the cell phone I get to use because someone pays for it, the cable internet and tv, blah blah.
I’m expressing the reasons I don’t want to live anymore, because YOU TWO have made me feel like an intruder in your own home for, well, going on the last 3 years. You find neat , cute, catchy ways to remind me of all the crap mistakes I’ve made in life, and how I could’ve actually finished school, and stayed with my old job, and been something.
Honestly, that’s cruel, it’s rude, and un-deserved. Reminding me of those things, got old 3 years ago. And until I’m “back on my feet”, you can stop. Tho, I know I won’t.
You only hear me, you don’t listen.
---
So, after this discussion I’ve had with my mother, albeit a brief one. I hear from a 3rd party person, that the reason I don’t “actively seek a job, or formal career, is because Michael might be comfortable, and is lazy, and does not want to leave”.
My mother said this to, this person.
Sweet heart, let me tell you something. Please understand: If I got a job, and could afford to move away, get an apartment close to work, cause GOD knows you won’t let me take the Genesis (which is ok, it’s not my car, few things are “mine&rdquo
, I would never, talk to the 2 of you again. After how you’ve made me feel for 2 years, you don’t deserve forgiveness.I am not Jesus Christ.
And please, don’t ever think, that I’m not getting a job because I’m comfortable here. And that Walmart would hire me, because they hired (3rd party person). First of all, it makes (3rd party person) look bad, don’t put them on my level.
2nd of all: Walmart interviewed me back in 2008 for a job @ the macclenny distribution center. and they rejected me. Why?
Because my credit profile was so bad, and their company was not comfortable with most of the paycheck going straight to 3rd party collection agencies and the government. Do not ask me to produce written documentation, they didn’t give me any, and I don’t have their phone number; nor do I remember then name of the woman I interviewed with either.
If I could leave, I would.
And also
don’t be all smug, and think that : Well Michael, you’ve put us thru hell for the last 15 years, and you just don’t understand.
I completely understand. How? BECAUSE I WAS THERE!
HELLUR! ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?
I don’t constantly think of myself you know. I’m actually a good person. There’s a number of people who can tell you that. I’m thoughtful, caring, generous, insightful, resourceful, and by NO means, or stretch of the imagination
NOT EVEN YOURS MOM (cause we all know how far that imagination can go)
conceited, or selfish. I can be a bet self centered at times.
Why don’t I act like any of the above positive things to you: umm. cause you get what you give dudes.
--
In summary, if I choose to go back to therapy, it’s on MY terms. You are being completely toolish, judgmental, ignorant, and un-Christian, to treat me different because I choose not to go back to therapy. I am a sentient, cognitive being, that is on my medication every day. I am not unstable, and at the moment, do not feel the need to go back to therapy.
Also, I am not suicidal. One of the many factors, keeping me from actually doing it, is, well honestly, I live in hell. And there has to be a period of time, in MY future that I will not be living like this. I do not have a grim out look on my life. I have a grim out look when it comes to MY life, as it relates to YOURS, in terms of a parent to son relationship. My life can be repaired, I have a positive attitude that I can bring myself from where I am, into somewhere between the negative, and the positive (as a start), and eventually, work my way into the positive. However, the relationship between you and I, will never be repaired.
Additionally - I am not, not seeking a job because I am lazy, comfortable, lax, or enjoy in any way shape or form living here. I stated the reasons above, and do not feel the need to summarize them.
Finally, to answer your question if I have told my psychiatrist that I, specifically, no longer have the will to live, and there are nights that I go to sleep, and hope I do not wake up, and that sometimes I get depressed and want to die.
Yes. And it’s not because I’m suicidal. It’s called depression. It’s from living with the 2 of you for so long. And it’s only a short step to suicidal ideation, however, that won’t happen. Sorry to disappoint you. You won’t be able to get rid of me that way.